Some Personal Criticism

The biggest problem with not blogging for a long time is when you try to do it again you don’t have a clue how to start the post off. I am staring that problem in the face right now. My plan is to just point that fact out and use it as my introduction, so there you are. This is the prelude to a very past due post. Now, I suppose I could have just thrown you right into the meat of the post but that would have been a bit too intense. As you may have gathered from the title, I am dedicating this entire post to critiquing (that is fuck of a word to spell) the way I have acted over the past several months. Let me tell you, it is a bit of a cluster fuck of good and bad. Now, to the self reflecting.

First, we will begin with the good but only because it sets me up better for the bad. Over the past year I have fallen crazy in love with the most wonderful girl in the world. Obviously, that is just my opinion but I really do love her a lot. Anyway, after I fell in love with her it had quite an impact on my life. I noticed that I started acting differently and much of the differences were good. Once, you feel love (besides from your parents) it changes the way you see many things. I started looking towards the future instead of just the present. All of those people who say, “forget the future, just live in the present” are wrong. If you don’t look towards the future then you have nothing to look forward to. What are you living for if there is nothing to look forward to. I’m not going to lie and say that before I fell in love with Ashley that I was miserable. I was happy for most of the time but when I look back I really don’t know what I was trying to accomplish in life. There just didn’t seem to be any meaning to anything. It was like everyday was just another step closer to nothing. I just didn’t feel like there was much reason for me. Then I fell in love and it seemed like for the first time my life had meaning. It is difficult to explain because it is a personal feeling that I had. I’m sure there are people out there that have never fallen in love and are completely content with their lives. I’m not trying to say that if you never fall in love then your life is pointless, or that there is nothing to look forward to and you should jump off a bridge. For me though, it woke me up to the best aspects of life. I have experienced the happiest moments in my life while falling in love. I mean an unreal level of happiness, so much that before then I had not known it was even possible to be that happy. It sounds like I’m trying to explain life, the universe, and everything and that isn’t what I am going after. The point of all this was just to say that falling in love put my life in much better focus. I have a better idea of what I want to achieve before I die and I am willing to try to accomplish those goals. Sorry, if it comes off as confusing or a bunch of over analyzed bullshit. I know exactly what I mean but I don’t know how to express it in words.

Now, the real shitty stuff. As I said, falling in love has been great but it has also fogged my vision to some bad decisions that I have made. I became so wrapped up in Ashley and I that I forgot about the rest of my family and friends, especially Cody. God, I really hope this doesn’t sound gay. I don’t think I was there for you enough when Kait broke up with you. I know you took a hard hit that changed your perspective on many things. When you started blogging about how love fucked you over I was kind of a dick. Now, I’m not saying that I agree with you on everything you said. I don’t believe that love was created (by whatever creator you desire) to hurt people in the end. My error was to call you out on what I thought was wrong. Obviously, you were hurting so I’m sure you didn’t need me telling you why everything happened the way it did and that you are wrong to assume that love swiped the rug underneath you. I was so caught up in trying to prove I’m happy which is stupid because I shouldn’t need to prove that to anyone. I just had a hard time listening to you and Jamaal say that love was bullshit. I mean here I am happier than a pig in shit to be in love and I am hearing you tell me that it was all for nothing in the end. I suppose that I just wanted to prove to you that everyone doesn’t end up getting fucked over. I think I just needed to reaffirm that I was going to be okay. Another part of me wanted to convince that you could still be happy. I thought that if you gave up on love then you would never get out of your self-loathing funk. I admit that I took the wrong approach in trying to help you. In fact, I chose the worst possible approach on the table and then ran with it until there wasn’t any more running left to do. The truth is that you can believe whatever the fuck you want to believe, but you already know that. It’s not my place to tell you how to theorize life, love, or whatever. Now, I can argue with you all the fuck I want but I shouldn’t have done it when you were most vulnerable. For that, I am sorry. I also apologize if this came of  little bit gay in any way.

There you are Cody, a one thousand plus word post for you to chew on. I hope you enjoy reading it because writing it was kind of a pain in the ass. Explaining how love changed my life was like trying to explain quantum physics to a half-retarded monkey with an attention deficit disorder. I still feel like I haven’t explained it very well. Whatever, it is all done with. I’ll post again whenever.